Work Vs. Weight loss

Dear readers… today am upset, depressed, and struggling. It has been 2 years ever since I was with my beloved husband… and still I didn’t see him. I’ve been working ever since and guess what .. am frustrated .. am the only one who can stay after working hours to finish my work because am fat, you would think whats the relation.. let me tell you…

When you are fat you live with pain , back pain, foot pain, chest pain , muscle aches, neck pain and even pain when you are hungry…working till there is no tomorrow will just be one of those pain that am used to live with.

am tired, I can’t have any leaves, I can’t work less .. everything is loaded over my head … how can I stop this ? how I can have time after work to have a proper meal and then meet with my friends or work out … it has been 2 weeks that am trying to hit the gym with no luck… because am hurt with the work pain until 7 pm every day…. it this healthy?

Zeena it not happy today… and feels lonely and unloved… and hungry…

when will i be out of this misery ?

http://www.sadface.org/

Emotions forever

As for now … am on a diet , uh as if i never stopped dieting !

This is what i always say and people tell me once i say no to anything they give me to eat. For the part 8 years when ever I reject a desert or a juice they will say ” oh zeena try it, don’t diet , diet isn’t healthy”

today I realized I wasn’t dieting at all, i was changing habits that seemed to stick with me for 8 years just like quitting smoking. smokers usually go back for a sip of a smoke and then leave it away till they reach a day where the cigarette doesn’t mean anything in their life. This is exactly what i did to my life, i started to stay away from sweets and away from unnecessary food between meals yet once am in a different mood or under certain stress those bad habits come back.

Going back to those 8 years, it seems I had my mood control my life more that I had a grip on my own mood. I was weak in front of my own emotions and feelings. A habit that indeed needs to be changed and was definitely neglected. Today I had a bar of chocolate, a scope of ice cream and a half a glass of smoothie at a local restaurant and oh 2 bites of chocolate from a chocolate place. That made me think, I never had these things before in one day, in the past 8 years ice cream was once in a blue moon, chocolate was once or twice a month when the hormones kick and juice ! oh! I can’t even remember when I had fresh juice, I prefer water !and guess what, I had nothing to talk about or anything to laugh on and I realized when ever I say anything no one is interested to listen… STOP !

Yes I had to stop, I am pulled to a different world I don’t understand, a world of a lot of food and lack of self-control ran by weakness of emotions. I looked at my thin friends, if anything bothered them they just ignore it or turn it into a joke that made them laugh, to them what ever bothers them if off the window when it makes me think over and over and over till am tried and indulge my self in a big scoop of ice cream as if its gonna give me the answer, like smokers when they think a smoke can clear their mind, while in real life is taking your mind off the subject for a while to be able to find the answer within my self.

Zeena is fighting weakness 🙂

Happy Eid to you

Dearest readers, 

Happy Eid to all of the Muslim readers, Happy eid to my family and friends.. and happy eid to my love Khalid, there is no eid without you.. my eid started with a tear on my right cheek .

Dearest khalid, 

I hope you find this blog.. to at least know how i feel.. I can’t forget the nice times we had, the last month of fights is not us.. i miss you i love you and you will always be in my heart. I still don’t know the reason for you to be away, i don’t know why you don’t even want to talk to me.. maybe i had my mistakes and you had yours so lets forget about them and learn and move on together.. Khalid we have something no other couple has, we are adam and eve we can build a great future together. 

I’m waiting for you Khalid , i’m waiting for our reunion .. so please say happy eid.

Love, 

Zeena

Back to Weight loss

Current weight: 82 Kg

Target weight: 80 Kg – slow targets at a time..

Real Target: 60 Kg

Starting Weight: 103 Kg

Starting date with this new diet : Jan 29th, 2008

Nutritionist and Dietitian : my Jobless obese friend )

Lifestyle: 30 minutes full body workout, 30 minutes 90 days plan, 30 minutes stretching

I don’t believe my eyes … it has been 5 months now and i’ve lost more than 20 kilos on judy’s very easy weight loss plan !!! i can’t believe my eyes, i can’t believe my size .. i am size 16 now i used to be size 20 , even though judy her self she is still wearing size 18 , but hey it is working for me better than it is for her hehehehehe 🙂 i love you judy .. and i love my tight , fit body.

People shut up i am a size 16 now hehehehe i don’t look obese anymore .. and they call me CHUBBY !

The last time i posted something my target weight was 90.. look at me now .. my target weight is 80 !! , ten kilograms less 🙂

Judy Abbott, Thank you for helping me and changing my life. I can’t wait until i’m size 10, weighting 60 kilo grams without flabby skin which you managed to take off.

Dear readers,

I am a successful biggest loser heheheehehehe.. wait for my pictures soon 🙂

lets all cheer Judy , if it wasn’t for her, i would’ve been still running from one nutritionist to the other finding a suitable way to lose weight.

Love you all.

Zeena.

Day 38 of Self Care

I’ve been doing the 1400 Kcal diet , 350-500 Kcal per each meal and balancing the rest of the day depending on the meal intake of calories. I never exceeded 1550 calories per day.

My current weight is 99.0 Kg  which means i didn’t lose anything from the day i left Kuwait. Right here i don’t eat junk food or ready made food, i cook my self the same portions Diet care used to bring me. Even though i’m working at home alot and at work too.. the weight loss isn’t rapid

The hardest thing in my diet these days is that my colleagues at work they tend to eat everything that i can’t have (baked potatoes, chips, McDonalds, Ice cream, Cookies, Chocolates, Dreambars, Muffins..etc) I’ve been holding my self very well. In these 38 day i have chocolate twice and they were the 100 Cal. per bar chocolates.

I think i need to see my nutritionist here again! Specially that i have no freakin time to workout unless i had to do it at 1 am !  My daily schedules been: wake up at 7, go out, come back for supper, clean the house , study, sleep at 1 am and i barely sleep -i’m still jet lagging.

I really feel my self “محرومة”

Can’t wait to live healthy and break some necks.

Women Disrespect

Spending Two hours of my time trying to keep him company when he is watching his masculine TV shows, my only way out was sitting next to him and read e-books so i wont be very distracted if he said or commented anything , i would be alert.

” I wish i wasn’t raised in Kuwait, i wish i was in some green country” he said…

“oh gosh please, don’t send your negativity to me” i said… and the disrespect started, i became a very disrespectful person.

I felt it for a while he hated my guts, discussing Masters scholarships would make me yell at me for no reason ” i don’t like to be given advices” that would be his reply.. OK i wont advice you, but when he go into greater depths i don’t want him come to me expressing his pain and making my heart burn from sadness over his situation. When i say i want to do this, he would make it bad .. when i give him an idea it is always wrong, when i say something right .. they have to make fun of it.

A mistake after the other he did and yet he doesn’t learn his lesson, still goes through the same mistakes. I feel bad to see a grown man in his thirty’s with such potential is being suppressed because he believes this country is crap. IT is not crap, it is a small country with lots of crap .. yet it is developing country, he might not be a multimillionaire that he dreams of being , or he wont be able to own a house of his own, but you never know if he focused on one thing and lived happily with what he has god will make him own all the things he dreams of, its not people that makes you reach your dreams, it is god.

He believed i’m disrespectful because i told him you are disrespecting me, he believes when i tell him an advice i’m trying to hurt him, why would i hurt him and since when advices would hurt?! unless you are doing something wrong and you know it.

Usually i keep quite and i don’t reply back to his comments, but now i can’t just keep quite because he is being very rude to me, to my country to my dreams.  I can’t listen to bad things and keep quite anymore.. living in a desert and saying that is it an ugly place and you wish to live in another place will not help anyone think straight.. it seems to me like someone who has gold underneath his feet but he can’t see it because he is too busy looking far away from where he is standing.

What is the problem with a 600KD’s pay check? what is the problem with a 4,000 KD’s car? or a 350 rented apartment? this wont make anyone disrespect me.. and if anyone did then they have issues they need to solve.. There are people living out of this money and less… I know a whole family of four children living out of 100 KD’s a month..

All it takes to realize were your feet are and be happy with what you have and god will make you happier and richer if you worked hard enough.

I wish i can tell him these thing, i wish he can be happy with his life.

My heart is aching right now, why is it when i speak it is disrespectful and when his women speaks he can’t even say a word?  i don’t know why he hates me that much, i don’t know why he treat me this way.. he left the house without saying good bye to me, and when he comes to the house he barely cares to give me a kiss.. i wounder is it because i don’t give him a look or act like a cuttie pie so he would listen to me? Is it really the way i look affects my words that much? Did he expect to see me fat without knowledge ? or beautiful without brains? or a women without voice?

Every day since my mother left.. he never respected me actually not every day, every time we start to talk.  Is it because i have my meals alone and decided to cut off my money to take care of my health? is it because i’m compromising my dinning out habits, shopping, and having few businesses here and there to pay for my health care is a big issue to him..

Tell me i did something wrong so i would go and apologize, tell me i was very disrespectful when i told him he was being too negative.. tell me i was wrong when i told him ” i wish you all the luck on your masters, get the applications ready so you get a scholarship”  Or is it the way Big women should be treated because they are fat and like what everyone believes, big women don’t take care of them selves.

Day 14 of Care

أنا جعاااااانه!

LOL !

Breakfast: Nistle flakes with milk and fruit salad.

lunch 14

Lunch: Half portion of vegetable beriany yuummy with ceaser salad.

Dinner: Lentil soup, Rocha salad, and mushroom chicken breast with carrots and mashed potatoes.

Now ana ja3aaaan! seriously.

Good news, i am 100 Kg 🙂  and i will not need chemotherapy, i have no cancerous cells nor cysts or clusters of fat , phew 🙂

Vacation Choose Me

It has been almost a month now since i started my real workout and diet, the weight is still the same, still obese with 36.9 BMI so i took a visit to Dr. Taleb Al shemiry as it seems everyone is loosing some good weight with him – as he showed me and claimed- but one thing they all have in common, saggy skin and very bony face, i will give it a try starting tomorrow and I’ll see how it works with me hoping I’d look better .

Now it is vacation time, my family will travel soon, brothers to Europe and US , Parents to Asia and Sisters with the rest to Southern America .. i really don’t want to go to Europe, I’d love to go to southern America, i want to see how Asia is but i can’t because i have to lose twenty kilos before  going to those places, i can’t.

After long thinking i decided to stay in Kuwait after all and work, so i thought about my friends to hang out with unfortunately, we went to the beach, they are all in their swim suits, getting tanned, having pina coladas with candy’s and taking pictures of each other. I decided to be the one who takes pictures of them because I’m the only one wearing shorts and a T-shit on top of my swimming suit, and  the only one who can’t get a tan because if i did my stretch marks would shout out laud.

Being the girl in the shadow truly made me lose all the fun and their bare foot dancing under the sun on the hot beach, so what am i doing with my friends if i can’t join them or have a conversation with them -since they are all busy tanning- i took a long walk along the beach then took a book and started to read.

Having summer activities with my friends didn’t work so i decided to join my older friends to go shopping and have a cup of tea or a coffee, it wasn’t any better, i went out with them and all i was doing is following them and choosing clothes for them since there are no clothes that would fit me in Villa Moda or Al Raya or any other mall we went to and going to those coffee shops i always feel uncomfortable with the staring eyes specially that my friends are all fit , sitting next to them would just make me feel like a dinosaur … bottom line I’ll be spending this summer working, struggling with weight and live in our living room with my hobbies since no place  fits me.

I think they don’t like me going out with them either, they don’t call me when they go out, even my cousins they go out together but never ask me unless they have someone cancels  and now on top of that my brothers refuse to take me with them on a jet plane unless i lose twenty kilos.

I wonder why i was brought to this world? to be filled with hobbies ? to read alot? to study all day? to work all night? to take care of old people? to have no friend in my age, only my mother and sisters?!

I’m praying this new diet to work.

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